I’ve become obsessed lately. This is nothing new for me. I often become fixated on places or things or books. In this case it’s a Broadway musical. Dear Evan Hansen. I’ve watched every YouTube video, listened to the soundtrack incessantly, started following the cast on Instagram – that might have crossed the line. If you have not yet heard of the play, the 30 second synopsis is as follows. Evan is a High School senior who suffers from social anxiety (hmmmmm, can anyone relate?) Through a misunderstanding he becomes enmeshed with a classmate’s suicide. The death not only brings him closer to the classmate’s family but also gives him a a sense of purpose he never had before. But here’s the thing, it was all based on a lie. So, does he come clean, give up this new identity he’s always dreamed of and return, tail between legs, to his old anxiety ridden life? Or does he continue on with the lie, knowing he is not being authentic and his true self. GOOD STUFF!!! Psychology professors could have a field day with this one! But me, being my unteachery self, have at least gleamed two take aways.
You are not alone
There are certain moments in time that evoke such a strong emotion that they are forever etched on our brain. I remember the exact day and time. I remember the smell in the air. I remember knowing that things would never be the same again. I had stumbled onto a podcast. The woman was telling her drinking story. It was my story. It was powerful. It was emotional. For the first time in a very long time I did not feel alone.
I have never identified as an alcoholic. I did not have a physical addiction to alcohol, but I for sure had an emotional one. I didn’t drink every night but once the cork was out of the bottle it for damn sure was never going back in. Sometimes my off switch worked, but more often than not it didn’t. My drinking, from someone looking in, may have looked normal. But I knew. I knew it was not normal. What I didn’t know was how to get off the roller coaster that drinking had put me on. Everytime it went around I would try to jump off, just to get pulled back on again. That day I heard my story being spoken from someone else’s lips opened up to me an entire new world. An online community that had been on that same rollercoaster. Some had made it off. Some were still riding it. But we all shared the same story. And that made all the difference. I was not alone.
We all have struggles. Our struggles may not look the same but no life is without them. The key is to not face these struggles alone. Find your tribe that is going to lift you up and help you stand when you don’t feel strong enough to stand on your own. And then, once you are strong enough, reach down and lift someone else up. In the words of Evan Hansen:
Well, let that lonely feeling wash away
Maybe there’s a reason to believe you’ll be okay
Cause when you don’t feel strong enough to stand
You can reach, reach out your hand
And oh, someone will come running
And I know, they’ll take you home
Be you
I struggled with this one for a long time. Maybe because I didn’t really know who “me” was. Maybe because I was always busy trying to be the person I thought I was expected to be, whatever that means. Trying to be someone you’re not is exhausting. And frustrating. And just really crazy. So why do we do it. Well, to be you is to be vulnerable. True authenticity comes with that price tag. And how many of us are willing to pay it? It takes a lot of courage. Showing the world your weaknesses is both terrifying and liberating. When you are living your life out loud, there is no more hiding. It’s all out there. The good, the bad and the ugly. To quote Brene Brown, “authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.” And once you begin this practice it’s impossible to go back. I’ve come to realize that I am enough just the way I am, imperfections and all. I might be too much for some people, but those are not my people.
Evan Hansen’s therapist has him write daily letters to himself articulating why each day was going to be good. In his final letter he writes:
Dear Evan Hansen,
Today is going to be a good day. And here’s why, because today, today at least you’re you and that’s enough.
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
