Today marks 187 days. 187 days of sobriety. 187 days since I kicked chardonnay to the curb. With these 187 days comes an enormous sense of freedom and gratitude. Freedom from the constant strain of attempted moderation. Freedom from the inner voice that kept telling me enough was enough. From the outside it may not have looked as if abstinence was necessary but I knew. Normal drinkers don’t question their alcohol consumption. And gratitude. Gratitude that I was able to step off the elevator before it reached the bottom floor. Because it would have, that I know for sure. Gratitude  that I can now show my kids that alcohol consumption is a choice and not a prerequisite to modern adulthood as society would like us to believe.

I wrongly assumed, however, that eliminating alcohol from my life would provide an immediate clarity of purpose. I’m sorry to say that at day 187 there is no clarity. In fact, I am feeling rather lost. My cup is empty and I’m not quite sure what to fill it with. Don’t get me wrong, my life has vastly improved. If 187 hangover free mornings isn’t enough,  I have also gained better sleep, rekindled my love for reading, made new, authentic friendships, been 100% present for my kids and most importantly reclaimed the confidence in myself that years of numbing had taken away. But clarity, that I have not found.

Patience. This is something I am not good at. I am a planner. I like to have a plan. I NEED to have a plan. But right now there is no plan, except not to drink. That has to be enough. Thankfully running provides me, if not with clarity, with peace. Running has been there for me on many occasions when I have felt lost. I began running after the birth of my first son. As a new mom I felt unsure of myself and lonely. This was all brand new. We bought a running stroller and I would head out first thing in the morning. I had horrible form (some things don’t change), but I didn’t care. It gave me a sense of purpose and peace, it still does. When my husband was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis and had to undergo a series of complicated surgeries, running, once again was there for me. So, at 187 days, more than half a year, I will accept that I don’t know  yet where my purpose lies. I just have to have patience. In the meantime I will lace up my running shoes and run.