Lately I’ve been feeling an unsettling calmness. Usually those two words would not be used in the same sentence. Calm is suppose to mean peaceful. But this is more akin to the quiet before the storm. The feeling like something big is about to happen but I am not privy to it yet and all I can do is sit and wait.

On Friday my daughter will walk across the stage to receive her college diploma. As far as milestones go this ranks pretty high. My emotions are on full alert.  Pride, happiness and yes, a bit of sadness. The diploma not only symbolizes her changing role from student to teacher but also is redefining mine. As a mom I am use to letting go. I mean, the whole point of mothering is to do such a good job that these once little, helpless, humans become productive members of society able to stand on their own two feet. But that doesn’t make it any easier. To see them actually succeed and get to that point. My heart is bursting and aching simultaneously.

At age 25 I became a Mom. Exactly six weeks shy of graduating from law school. Most of my friends at the time were interviewing for positions in firms or beginning clerkships while I was building cribs and rereading what to expect when expecting. Most people thought I was crazy. I KNOW my professors did. Especially when I showed up to finals toting a baby instead of a backpack. I wasn’t crazy though. Before I had even held my son for the first time, I loved everything about being a mom.

I loved the chaos that accompanied having 4 kids close in age. We were in constant motion. Moving from play dates, to swim lessons, to ballet rehearsals and baseball games. I loved  friday night game nights and saturday night sleepovers. I loved the constant trips to the grocery store and the bottomless piles of laundry (maybe I am crazy). I loved the walls filled with artwork and the bookcases overflowing with our latest bedtime reads.

Motherhood defined me.

So how do I now redefine myself. Sure, I will always “be” a mom but the days of constant motion are over. I have to find new ways to fill my days that will also nourish my soul. There are plenty of books about how to parent but how about “What to Expect After the Kids Graduate.” And this is the quiet before the storm. We are suppose to give our children “wings so they can fly” but maybe we should gift ourselves with a pair of those wings too.