When the Long Island Medium with Teresa Caputa first aired in 2011, I was completely obsessed. Every Sunday night I would position myself on the living room couch, glass of chardonnay in hand, and daydream about her showing up at my house, offering to hold a private reading that would leave us both in tears. We would then of course become each others bffs. Both of my parents had passed away. Many people experience losses far greater than mine but I couldn’t seem to get pass my grief. My sister once asked me why I was so obsessed with this idea of connecting with my parents. I don’t remember what I said exactly but I can guarantee that it wasn’t the truth. My motives were selfish. I was drowning myself in self pity. I was angry. I couldn’t let go of these feelings, especially since I didn’t even recognize what these feelings were. These feelings were my reality, so I held on tight to them. And each week I would sit and keep on imagining how everything would be so much better if I could just get that private reading with Teresa.
Here’s the truth; these feelings were me holding on to the past. I wasn’t ready to let go. I wanted to postpone the pain as long as possible, maybe even forever. So I held onto my grief and shoved it way down deep inside and somehow thought that I could fool myself into believing that this was something I would never have to deal with.
Life is like the change of the seasons…Sometimes the sun shines and everything is bright…But we also need the storm for rearrangements..The rain to wash away the pain…And when the leaves leave, they make place for a new beginning, a better one.
These second seasons in sobriety have been about finally letting go. Letting go of all the crap. The pain. The self pity. The anger. So what has changed. Everything and nothing. On the outside things look the same. I haven’t had any amazing physical transformation except for maybe gaining a few extra laugh lines. I live in the same house, with the same husband and kids and dog. It’s on the inside, though, that the transformation has taken place. There is a freedom that comes with knowing that you have experienced all the firsts. At some point, though, it’s no longer about getting through the firsts, or even about not drinking. It’s about shedding the roles I had been playing, (self-imposed or otherwise) and figuring out who the hell I am. And this is something that doesn’t happen in a single season. This is a life long process. Over the years I had told myself all sorts of lies. You’re not athletic. You’re not creative. Your words hold no value. All untrue. We can only become our authentic selves by letting go of who we think we should be and embracing who we actually are. (thank you Brene!)
I make decisions now based on whether they will bring me joy. I use the word JOY not happiness deliberately. They are both wonderful feelings to experience but very different. Joy is a feeling that comes when you make peace with who you are. Happiness, on the other hand, tends to be externally triggered and based on other people or things. I chased happiness for a long time. I bought books thinking that maybe they held the secret. I can save you a lot of time and mental anguish by letting you know that trying to reach some sustainable level of happiness is not possible or realistic. Happiness should not be the end goal. We are meant to experience ALL the emotions. Sadness, grief, anger, and yes, happiness. The idea that we can selectively numb is just false. So if you want to be happy you’re going to have to be sad too. Thankfully though, the pendulum of my emotions swings much closer to the center now.
The witching hour comes and goes most days without a second thought. I still have moments and situations where I am uncomfortable or anxious or scared and recognize them for what they are. They won’t kill me, in fact it’s in these moments that the most growth takes place. Pain can be a great catalyst for change. In these second seasons I have learned what I need to sustain my sobriety. EXERCISE, NATURE, CONNECTION, TRAVEL. These things are non-negotiables. I am unapologetic about my needs, which is a refreshing change of pace. I’m going to make mistakes, I’m human, but I can accept them, hopefully learn from them, and move the hell on. I still love the idea of connecting with my parents. The difference is that I no longer need an external source of validation to connect. Theresa doesn’t need to come knocking on my door. I feel their presence in my life every single day. Every time a cardinal flies into my yard or the sky lights up at sunset or a sense of calm comes over me, I know from a place deep inside that they are with me.
