One of the many recovery podcasts I listen to, Home, had an episode where Holly Whitaker and Laura McKowen (two of my personal superheros, but I’ll save that for a separate post) talked about things they knew for sure. I don’t know why this particular episode stands out for me but it has. Maybe because recovery is hard. Especially early recovery, where your brain is rewiring itself. Everything you thought you knew, suddenly you don’t know. Getting used to a new normal, sigh. So the things that you know for sure, these things you hold on tight to, like your life depends on it.
I am on the right path
Even though I may not know where the path is headed, I know I am on the right path. This I know for sure. What the future looks like, that I don’t have a clear picture of yet. I hope it includes lots of travel, running, service to others, but I don’t know any of this with any certainty. I am trying to focus on today. Somedays that is very mundane. Doing life. Making meals, helping with homework, laundry, going for a run. I’m ok with the mundane. I am grateful for the mundane.
Gratitude. Such a buzz word these days. From coffee mugs to personal development books, gratitude is everywhere. I buy right into it. I get that mindset is key to your well being. I have to admit though, it does not come easily to me. I’m sure, like with anything, the more you do it the easier it will become. Although I’m not 100% sure about this. My gratitude list for yesterday included, tea, the cat not vomiting on the carpet and Dawson Creek reruns.
I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way. -Paul Simon
You can’t rush recovery
God how I hate some of these sayings but damn if they aren’t true. One day at a time, Keep it simple, Progress not perfection……ugh! Although I don’t attend a 12 step program these words still hit home. I didn’t just wake up one morning and realize that I suddenly had an issue with alcohol. It was a slow progression that happened over the span of years. Recovery is exactly the same. You don’t just take the wine away and BAM you’re good. It takes time, and work. A lot of work. Getting use to feeling emotions that you use to numb does not happen overnight.
There is no “right way” to recover
For years I resisted any type of recovery program even though I knew deep down that it was not normal to chug chardonnay as if it were KoolAid. Why? I feared being labeled. There is so much shame attached to that one word. Alcoholic. And then I discovered an entire online community. This community showed me that there is no “right way”. Screw labels. What you put in your recovery toolbox is personal. For some it might include attending 12 step meetings for others it will be binge listening to podcasts while running an obscene amount. Like I said, it’s personal. Find your tribe, whether they’re online or in a meeting. The opposite of addiction is connection, this I know for sure.
Being a Mom will always be my greatest joy
By the time I started school I already knew that I wanted to be a Mom. I use to have a doll that I carried everywhere. My mom would take me to the store and I would buy real baby food and clothes for her. I would tell people that she had been in an accident and had needed plastic surgery that’s why she looked all plasticy. Super creepy, I know. When asked, “what do you want to be when you grow up,” I would immediately answer, a Mom. Somewhere along the way, I began to get the feeling that this wasn’t the answer people were looking for. So I started to think of a different response. At the time I was an avid Nancy Drew reader. I devoured every book until I eventually had to move onto the Hardy Boys. Because of this obsession when asked what I wanted to be I began responding, “a detective, you know, like Nancy Drew.” It seemed perfectly logical to me. This also elicited blank stares. Still searching for an appropriate response, I finally stumbled upon one, lawyer. No blank stares. I still wanted to be a Mom.
Luckily, when I met my future husband, his desire for a family was just as strong, if not stronger than mine. No blank stares from him. When it comes to kids, I hit the kid jackpot. Not once, not twice, but four times. Being a Mom has been, and always will be, my greatest joy. This I absolutely know for sure.
